does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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