i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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