Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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