so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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