she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
