Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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