Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
