I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
