Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
