Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
