sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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