I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
