Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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