Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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