forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
