I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
