i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
