I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
