I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
