Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If I die, sorry about rent.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
