i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
