My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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