there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize