I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
