new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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