he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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