Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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