I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
