so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
