life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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