somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
ugly people sure do ruin things
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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