i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
