She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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