who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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