Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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