So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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