Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
