What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
