shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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