No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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