new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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