I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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