hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
