Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
