proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
