if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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