These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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