What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize