In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
