I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
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