I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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