even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
