then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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