I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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