Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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