Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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