the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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