I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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