i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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