I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
