just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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