Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
